Picking Paths

There were lots of little moments when I first got on this campus that helped me realize I would really like it here. And many since then. Remembering that they have prayers before every class. The temple only a ten-minute walk away from my dorm. The fact that just about every door is opened for me by some gentleman. Meeting my professors (especially math, art, and American foundations). Meeting my roommates. Getting assigned to visit teach people who, in reality, visit teach me.

And the fact that they had an actual writing group.

And I have loved that writing group. From the manager who has to cut our topic of what the Disney's Beast's real name is to the expressive guy who volunteers to read my writing aloud and provides a hilariously unique voice for every one of my characters. Its great!

I feel like I basically go there to get my ego stroked. They're all really positive about my work and I always leave with a little extra bounce in my step.

And the more bouncier that step got, the more my plan for teaching elementary education has seemed to fade. Which worried me. Maybe I liked this writing group and they're lovely compliments a little too much.

So I tried to refocus. I marked education seminars in my calendar and tried to make sense of the e-mails the department sent me but it began to feel like a chore. Which worried me some more. How could helping little kids learn and develop seem like a chore?! I adored "my" little primary. I have more fun memories with my younger cousins than I do my senior class. Maybe I'd just have to push past all of this official stuff first before I got to the fun stuff.

Then I discovered that I couldn't' have a minor with that sort of major and the whole process started over again. I didn't really want to spend all my semesters studying nothing but education. I had a whole ton of other interests that I'd dreamed of discovering when I got here.

 Of course, my plan had always been that writing would come last. I even discussed this in prayer once, assuring my Father in Heaven that I wouldn't let my interests get in the way of what really needed to be done. And I was convinced that the world needs more caring, loving, and watchful teachers than it needs silly writers.

I think I still am, actually. But after lots of prayer, some talks with my parents, and a devotional, I really felt that the Lord would guide me in whichever path I chose, in this case.

So how I ended up in the advising office changing my major to English: Creative Writing emphasis, I'm not really sure. It just sort...happened. So much for my promises of before.

But I've heard that the Lord can't guide your footsteps until you move your feet. So I've moved 'em. And all I can say is that ever since then, I've been really excited. I really want to come back next semester and get going on the classes. I'm still not sure what sort of difference a crazy wizard, a mix-up of fairytales, and their author can make in the world and I might end up changing my mind again, but I wonder if sometimes that 'different path' Heavenly Father has in mind for us is the one we simply aren't lettings ourselves have.

So my new promise: include the Lord in my writing and continue to let him guide me in the direction I need to go in life. And since He's the greatest friend and missionary companion anyone could ever have, why not the greatest co-author?

 

Stepping Off the Hamster Wheel

I had just left a refreshing session at the temple and was already beginning to run through the other things I had planned for that day when I passed the little brick wall marked "Brigham Young University-Idaho".

I'd passed it before. The logo was pasted onto every sweatshirt, lanyard, and pair of headphones I owned. I logged onto the BYUI website about twenty times each day in paranoia that'd I'd miss the next notification to move my car when the plow came through the driveway.

But it suddenly hit.

Woah! I was here! And all the preparation I'd gone through suddenly ran through my head.  That CES fireside I went to that helped me make my decision. Those two 'eternities' of Spanish class that I vaguely remember. All the before hours, lunch hours, and after hours spent wrestling math. Biting my nails as I watched my older friends fill out scholarship after scholarship feeling super intimidated by it all. Deciding that only a crazy person traveled to a completely different state when her two best friends in the whole world had room for one more person in their dorm. That feeling of rejection from Utah and that magical e-mail from Idaho that followed right after.

The thought of it almost made me want to strut up to my younger self, pat her on the back, and say, "You done good, my friend."

Of course, things weren't exactly the way I imagined them. I don't always feel like this fabulously cute, mature young adult who has it all together. My roommate knows how to do my hair better than I do and when my art teacher started using the term touche (pronounced "tush") I was the only person in the entire lecture hall who giggled.

But I was here! I was at the place I was sure would be one of the funnest, most exciting places in my life!

So...why wasn't I, you know, feelin' it?  Why wasn't I content? Headaches every other day and under/over estimating my groceries wasn't quite doing it for me.

At first I brushed it off with by saying that things aren't always as big and shiny as we imagine. We grow up and reality hits.  Which is true. But it wasn't until later that day (after I had finished that to-do list and collapsed onto my bed for a nap) that I realized I didn't give myself time to be content. It wasn't so much reality's problem as it was mine. It was class, homework, laundry, class, homework, youtube, swing dance, snack, writing group, homework, mission prep, sleep. The basic game plan of the week: Sunday, inhale. Monday to Friday cram everything into brain. Saturday, exhale.

Just as I had done back home, I was always looking forwards. Saying, "Well yeah, I know I'm that. But what else can I be? What else can I do? I have this great future I want and I'm never going to get there if I don't change this. And what about this? Why did I ever do that?"

In theory, its a great habit. It has helped me get a lot under my belt and has helped me get to where I am today. But the self-punishing, rigid way I went about it has also helped my nerves trigger a few anxiety attacks in track practice.

It occurred to me that not once since I got here I had never really congratulated myself on it. I'd just got frustrated with myself in my battle against a little flu bug, pushed me and my headaches through my homework, and taken the occasional break to go out and be social if only to battle homesickness.

Next it occurred that if I was ever going to have even an ounce of fun on this campus, that unsatisfied approach to life had to go.

So what did I do? I dedicated the rest of my Friday to being happy. To being content with myself and where I was at--something I haven't consciously done in a long time. To pounding "Piano Fantasy" through the dorms and singing along to "Love Song" until someone walked in and interrupted me. And it felt amazing!!  I've since discovered that taking care of your spirit isn't just doing what you need to do and not doing what you shouldn't, its enjoying the fruits of all that effort.

Again, I'm just grateful for an immensely patient Savior and the people He's placed in my life. Their patience have made up for my lack of it. It amazes me how gently he approaches me about the same problem over and over and over and over again. Because I know I've already written about this topic in many different forms at many different times. But I think, now that I'm able to look back at more experiences, that it's finally clicked for me. At least I hope.

So, new game plan:

Sunday, sit in a spiritual hot-tub, so to speak, and relax. Soak up all the insights inspirations I'll probably need for the coming week.

Monday-Friday, be fascinated by what I learn and find my own angle or depth to it. After all, this is "The Lord's University". What does He want me to learn about His creations? His works? Next I'll laugh lots, smile plenty, discover new ways to make spice up a ham and cheese sandwich.

Saturday, go on a long walk, pound away on the piano again, go on a group date with my laptop and the fictional characters in my head, go on a normal group date, do some hairbrush singing, make snow angels--something!

And because things aren't always as big and shiny as I like to imagine and some weeks will be more stressful than others, a weekly temple trip. That way it will be just what President Clark always says at each devotional, "Another great day at BYU-Idaho."

In short, just be content! I saw a sign on campus the other day that said something along the lines of, "In the great pursuit of happiness, one ought to stop and just be happy."

100th Post!!!

I got really excited when I realized this. In fact, I wasn't really going to write anything today until I saw the 99 number because my week was pretty normal. Well...besides the fact that my roommates have now taken over on driving my car because my Joseph City traffic skills don't quite cut it. And the fact that the substitute for my Mission Prep teacher knew exactly who I was. Which--quick side trip--felt like one of those stories when some mysterious person shows up and pulls the main character's name out of thin air. All I did was volunteer to play the piano. Then he sort of tilted his head.
"Are you from Arizona?"
"Yeah, I am."
Further head tilt, "...Joseph City?"
Inner jaw drop, "...Yeah! I am!"
"Oh. Hello Sister Hansen."

Eerie. But amazing! I later figured out he had served in the Winslow stake for a time. I guess they were right when they said you can find Joseph City just about anywhere :) Now if only I hadn't forgotten to ask how he knew me.

Anyways, the whole post number thing got me thinking just how far blog has come.

It originally started out as a sort of tentative Personal Project idea. I started noticing all these little object lessons throughout my day and thought, since a different project I had wasn't working so well, that it might be cool to write those lessons down and put them somewhere where someone else could find them. Someone who might need them. I originally intended for any search engine surfer who happened to stumble across it and thought it might be a cool missionary tool. But these were all doubtful ideas. I really didn't think it'd go anywhere. I almost stopped once I hit ten hours. But thanks all of you super-supportive, super patient, and super-loving people, I didn't.

And it is a service. A true one. Because what do these 100 posts contain?

Memories, writing practices, silly metaphors, goofy wordings, and inexperienced outlooks. Doubts, fears, laughs, and loves. Pictures, compliments, lessons, insights, and emotions. Tributes, trials, and triumphs.

It has answered prayers. It has helped me discover myself as I put things into a clearer perspective. It has taught me what the Holy Ghost feels like. It was put experiences in new light. It has helped me see the hand of God in the details. It has watered my seed of testimony even though, at times, my emotions watered the keyboard.

Basically, these 100 posts cover my transition from teen to adult. Looking back, I'm tempted to cringe at some of my entries. About how clever I remember thinking I was or how childish my wording sounds but I realize now that that's the point. There's no way I'd be able to have the insights or outlooks I have now if I didn't have those.

And though my car handling skills obviously haven't progressed much since those driving class days, my personal roads have still split into two lanes (which, actually, we do have in our small town. We also have street blocks. Just clearing up that mistake. It's been bothering me for months :). And not just two lanes, but three or four.  Life seemed to get bigger at the same time I did, and  there's no way in the world I'd be where I'm at if I hadn't take time to notice all of the street signs along those roads.

You know, the ones marked, "Keep Right."
 

A Girl's Flu

There's one minor thing that I forgot. Before one can blossom, one must push up through the soil. The frozen, snowy, hard soil. And I guess I kind of knew this. I knew I'd get homesick. I knew I'd call my mom. I knew I'd cry. What I didn't know is that I'd have pink-eye and the flu while I was doing all of that. Suddenly I wanted the living room fireplace, my grandma's "voodoo" skills, and an afternoon of nothing but Phineas and Ferb.

But such was not the case. I had classes to go to, homework to do, and door handles to disinfect. I had blossoming to do. And so I dragged my groggy self out of bed, laughed at my eye makeup , and tried to review all the blessings I knew were in store.

And it probably shouldn't have been as big a deal as I made it, but this was really trying for me. I guess I'm not that accustomed to physical trials. And I know that sounds really wimpy, but I feel like most of the stuff I've had to overcome has been emotional or spiritual. Problems that I can solve by searching for truths and being diligent. Problems I feel a little more in control of because their a matter of my personal choices and church is every Sunday and my scriptures are right where I always put them.

Community Care, on the other hand....

4 blocks down the road. Something I didn't discover until I realized that the snow can cover up the lines on the street, I got lost twice, I pulled out in front of another car, I asked for directions from the office about three times, and I eventually drove back home completely rattled and no healthier than I had been before I left. My parents called around that time and I completely lost it. I bawled and bawled. My dad kinda laughed, in his loving, Dad-like way, and told me that the first thing I needed to do was calm down. From there, he led me to Google maps and I felt really silly, but I got my check-up.

And despite all the effort I put into things, no matter how diligent I was, I later got a stomach ache. It was only for a short while but it frustrated me. I didn't want to have to rely on the pharmacist or Google maps, or my poor roomates, or even my overworking immune system. I just wanted it to be a personal thing that I could handle on my own and see a positive result of my own actions. Meaning I really needed this one.

And surprisingly it all ended rather quickly. The night after I took the doctor's prescription, things cleared up. My eyes weren't so red, the sun was actually shining. It felt great! So then I, of course, have to try and complicate things again and figure out what exactly what I had learned from it all. In semi-witty, blog-post form of course. I thought about it last night and all through church today. I puzzled and puzzed 'till my puzzler was sore. And there was lots. Simple things that made sense to me personally and things I'd be using in the future but I kept searching for something in-depth and more complicated that I could share.

And, in relief society, amongst all my whirring thoughts and the words of the lesson it came as clear--and as "duh" obvious--as a bell:

"Don't Complicate Things."

Right. I will get this down one day.

"You Will Have a Tale or Two to Tell When You Return." --Gandalf, The Hobbit

Well, now that I have even less time than I had before, I’m going to start this up again. Now that I actually have something to talk about beyond my usual daily walks around the loop and religious viewing of Phineas and Ferb.

 I’ve decided I owe Peter Jackson a hug. Him and his uncanny movie making timing is amazing. Although I increasingly cringe through a few choice battle scenes, there’s one member of the fellowship I’ve increasingly grown to love. Pippin. Because ever since I locked my Dad’s keys in the truck. miscounted my laps in the mile at a track meet, and gave my first prom date my mom’s number instead of mine, I’ve just felt for the guy. And I loved the fact that in the end he became a hero, foolishness, clumsiness, and all. It gave me some hope on some days. :)

And then, after my the bumbling high school years came to an end and it was time to move on, he came out with the hobbit. I felt same towards Bilbo. He didn’t want to leave his little shire with its friendly people and sentimental comforts. And you guys know all about how that parallels. So it became a common theme in my house whenever the topic of college came up:

 “Mister Baggins, where are you going?”

“I’m going on an adventure!!”

And I soon realized that so was I!

Another one was from Dr. Suess—someone I’d like to have a conversation with in the next life—“Congratulations! Today is your day. You’re off to great places. You’re off and away….You’re mountain is waiting, so get on your way!” And a page I’ll probably be referring to a lot, “On you will go, though the weather be foul. On you will go, though your enemies prowl. On you will go, though the Hakken-Kraks howl! Onward up many a frightening creek, though your arms may get sore and your sneakers may leak.” I actually thought of that one walking across campus last night after a whole day of trying to locate some Wi-Fi.

And these haven’t been the only ones. I’ve realized that if it’s taken me all of this energy just to leave my earthly home, I can only imagine how much it took for me to leave my heavenly one. The reasons were the same. I knew I needed to go to learn and progress in ways that I couldn't without leaving. I'm sure my doubts were somewhat the same as well.

 And I think someone else remembered that. Because after a tearful farewell to my parents, it took a lot to fight down my emotions and walk back across the street towards campus. I moved to, then chickened out and gave them each another desperate hug. Then, not even knowing what to think--which says a lot for me--I numbly turned to go, hoping to leave all that emotional build-up behind.

I hadn’t even gotten five steps away from the truck before I felt another arm wrap around my shoulders and squeeze me tight. I felt a warm, comforting smile and even, I want to say, a reassuring wave back at my parents as my Savior walked with me across the street and towards my dorm. I might not have been in their hands any more, but I was still in His. And I felt more secure in that moment than I had been feeling in weeks. And, of course, there was no more holding back the water works after that. It was a good thing I came home to an empty dorm J

It didn't matter that I knew people who could root up and leave like Velcro while I had been the good part of a blubbering mess the past month. And it didn't matter that I felt like a sheltered little porcelain doll about to be crushed by the world and its realities. I suddenly felt strong with Him there. Like I had done this before and I could do it again. And that feeling has lingered. As it said in the father's blessing before I came, I would "blossom". A much better description than what I had in mind for myself after I left little Joseph City.

 

“Make us proud,” my parents said, “We know you will.” Whether the counsel is from Earthly or Heavenly ones, I plan to do just that.

And just as a little friendly reminder, there was a gym bag at the bookstore with the words--I kid you not-- "Oh the places you'll go!"

Follow Up

So this is the post that I knew I would post when I posted the other post. Just as expected, primary has already grown on me. I'm not exactly a pillar of organized confidence yet, but it's coming much faster than I thought it would.

I've decided my emotions sort of work like a suction cup. I quickly get attatched to things and then it takes a real effort to remove myself. I remember leaving elementry school. Unlike most kids, I was super bummed. Who in the world would want to go to a big, scary school where all you did was sit through classes all day. No recess, no arts and crafts. It didn't sound exciting at all!

And then I left high school. I've since felt myself being slowly pried away from my friends as they leave, from my favorite teachers, and just from the fun memories I have in those hallways. College still intimidates me a little but I'm not near as bad off as I was at graduation. Summer has helped calm those nerves a little.

I'm sure once I graduate from college, I'll be the same way. I just have this habit of latching myself to things and clinging tight, loving it with everything I have. And then the winds of change come and I have to pull free. It's never a super fun thing for me but then I find something else to cling to until it's time to let go again. Makes me wonder what my spirit was like when it was time for it to come to earth...

Anyways, callings are no different. I'm already falling in love with these kids. The way they focus so hard on the actions of "Nephi's Courage" and participate willingly in all the games I try to come up with. I love how the junior primary's every other answer is "Jesus!" and the senior primary's clear understanding of things. Some of them are about to enter young men's and women's. They'll fit right in. Especially since a few of them where bigger shoes sizes than me and already have me by a few inches.

So there you have it. A problem resolved. I'm sure you all already saw it coming but it just feels good to write about it. I have a feeling I'm going to have a hard time leaving this primary group now but I've learned from this that I'll manage. Flourish, even. I'll take up the art of snow angels or something in Idaho :)

There has also been other doubts resolved. For example, the fact that I didnt make it into BYU Utah. Though I'm sure I don't know all of the reasons yet, I have discovered a few. Had I made it in, I would've left right after I graduated. Now I have until after Christmas to leave and this summer has been one of great growth for me. I've noticed things in myself that I didn't notice during the busy days of school and my parents have been able to teach me some valuable lessons that I don't think I would've learned otherwise. I've gained knowledge I'd much rather have before I went off on my own.

In other words, there is truly a plan for all of us. I see now that Heavenly Father's individual children are never at the back of his mind. They are always at the front. He knows just what we need when we need it and we simply need to trust.

Fireworks in the Rain

So obviously blog posts don't come to me quite as much as they used too. I'm not sure why. I guess my mind's too occupied. It has good reason to be; between the two stories I daydream about, college plans, and adjusting to institute I'd much rather just sit down with brothers for a good session of Teen Titans or Spongebob.

Today wasn't much different. I didn't have that usual flood of inspiration that drives me to my computer for an escape route. I simply came home from church, dug out some leftovers, and wrote in my journal.

That's when I realized I'd had a pretty good week. I tend to stress the little things a lot--as you readers can probably tell-- and if making mountains out of molehills was an olympic sport, I think I'd have a fighting chance. Sometimes I'll go through my journal and just wonder why someone hasn't labeled me a basket case. Maybe I'm just a girl.

Anyways, I had been back at it again all week before I sat down to write in my journal. The cool thing about journal writing though is that if you're wordy like me you get hand cramps. So then you tend to sift through the grains of details and only record the big chunks of events. I found some fun stuff this time around.

I was feeling particularly grumpy one day and so, knowing the best cure for such a thing, I dragged Kilroy (my kindle) and I into the kitchen to make cookies for two people in our ward who had much greater reasons than me to be grumpy; they were returning from the hospital. I whipped up some no-bakes, licked the spatula clean, and then walked up to their house. They weren't quite home yet so I snuck inside and found a paper towel and a pencil to right them a note. I got halfway through when, from outside, I heard a car pull up.

Now there's only so many things you can do in a situation like this.  But I didn't know any of them so I simply threw the note away and looked around, trying to find the least awkward place to be standing when they came into their own house to find me in their living room.

An awkward moment, a rushed explanation, and a good laugh later, things settled down.  And, needless to say, my grumpy mood was gone.

I also went outside to play soccer with my baby brother this week. This has become a regular hobby lately. We have our goals marked on the lawn and the teams change each week with whatever shirt we happen to be wearing. Usually it's Team Sonic the Hedgehog and Team Burnt Marshmellows (I have a lot of black t-shirts). The usual game goes to twenty points.

Only this time he kicked into the flowing irrigation ditch and we had to fish it out. Before long it grew into a splashing fight. Then he spotted the bucket in the sand box. We also found the cat's water bowl and before long we were chasing each other around the yard until we were both soaked. We tried to finish our soccer game but we were both laughing so hard we couldn't even kick the ball straight.

He did eventually win and my pants did eventually dry but then he started it all up again. And that, I decided, was how a six year old and an eighteen year old have become best friends. I've also slept on the trampoline with my other brother this summer and we stayed up playing pokemon--something we haven't done since I was in the fifth grade.  Oh how I wish I could take those two with me! If Seth misses an episode of one of our favorite shows I can totally catch him up on it and we'll discuss it like the avid fans we are. And I won't even have to feel like a nerd.  If I can't get up the courage to do something, I can just remember Nic's words too me when he was trying to get me to rollerblade down a rather high ramp, "Just do it. Don't even think about it."
And I could sit there and watch the both of them quote Nacho Libre back and forth for hours.

So yes. Again my goal is to stop stressing the small things so I can look up and see the much bigger brighter things in life. Like watching fireworks in the drizzling rain this year and getting all the blankets muddy. The small rain drops can be distracting but if I let them get the best of me, look what I'm missing!