Hope and Healthcare

My mission prep. teacher is inspired. I'm completely convinced. Not only has his assigned pattern of scripture reading saved me on a daily basis, but so has the big 'project' he gave us. We're supposed to choose one of the Christ-like Attributes listed in the Preach My Gospel manual and develop it throughout the semester. For a grade, because this place is awesome like that. I felt to choose Hope.

I was skeptic of this feeling at first. It just sounded too..., I don't know, happy-go-lucky? Easy? Besides, I'd never really seen myself as the type to dwell in despair. But the more I read about it and thought about it the more I realized this was the one I needed, as it was the beginning of the semester. I was feeling a little stretched thin between things and had, as a result, let those pesky little doubts strike yet again.

Most of the battle has been evident internally as I insist to myself that things will work out--just as they always have--and that I will measure up to all I need to do. But it wasn't until this weekend that I saw a more tangible example.

I had walked into the student healthcare center looking rather lost until the guy at the desk told me he could help me.

"Okay, thanks," I hurried over, "I need...I'm going on my--a--mission soon and I was wondering what I needed to do...for that."

Luckily he was able to translate and began lining me out for immunizations and a physical. I felt rather relieved until he looked up and said,

"Social?"

Blank!!

"Um...it's uh...erm...heh...hmm...I don't remember. I think its..."

"You can bring it next time. Just make sure you do. Now, what block are you on?"

"First. ....oh! I mean winter-spring. Heheh, sorry."

He sort of gave me this smirk I was sure was reserved for freshmen only but I did my best to smile and act like I knew what I was doing anyways. Finally, after a suffering through a few more stuttering sentences, I finally left.

It wasn't until I got a good five feet away from the building--after rattling off my social security number too myself like nothing--that I burst into laughter. I'm sure I looked totally adequate for a mission with such an eloquent performance.

And then, as I continued to walk home, I realized it tied perfectly into my project. Hope really was a Christ-like trait. And it wasn't always easy. It meant taking my stuttering, naïve words and full-on believing that they could be turned into something else. They could be made into powerful tools. Tools that would reach to the very soul, not just to the skeptic ears.

It was believing that He could take my limited view of the world and turn in into something that could help someone else see the world more broadly. Believing that He would turn my hard days into my most meaningful and most favored ones.

I've learned that hope isn't just the stuff of happy-endings--while it certainly is so, and I'm a firm believer in them--but its more the stuff of what happens before all of that. It's an anchor when things aren't happy at all.  Just as when Christ healed those whose circumstances seemed permanent or gave words of light to those in lost in darkness. Or when he forgave those who crucified him. 

Hope is peace and, as one of my favorite youth speakers once said, peace is something deeper, something more sustaining than happiness.

Like I said, inspired.
 

One-On-One Field Trip

We're already planning the closing social in the 33rd ward over here. And yes, I said 33rd. Holy mass Mormon exodus every Sunday! It took me two weeks to figure out where all the different classes were at and twice that to come to grips that we had 3 different relief societies within that one 33rd ward.

But, back to the point, this semester, as everyone promised, has FLOWN by!! And I have failed horribly at doing any of it justice on this blog so I'm going to try and fix that today. Try and make-up for it, because deciding a major was only one of the adventures. And a pretty mediocre one at that. So, here's the skinny of Annelie's Crazy College Chronicles.

1. Between me and my roommates, we have zero decorations in our living room. But we have plenty of expressive noise. A good mix of classical music, OneDirection, Asian dramas in Japenese, Harry Potter, Phineas and Ferb (my contribution), bursts of laughter over the latest pun by our home evening brothers, and a snap or two at whoever forgot to replace the toilet paper.

2. Security guards and hopping walls. A first in all time Annelie history, I assure you. But when you forget to move your car out of the driveway so they can plow out the foot of snow in the parking lot, its either move it and miss curfew or get it towed. I love the super-helpful security guard who didn't have the keys to the gate of the apartment complex. "Well. You can text a roommate or climb over."
I've done both since. (If only to say that I've done the second ;)

3. Swing dancing workshops are great. And the actual dances after are even better!
"Alright, who has a birthday in February? ...Only one person? What's your name? Annelie? Cool. Hey 19--that's missionary age. Now, all you guys in here, let's circle around Annelie here and see which one of you can dance with her the most!"

Somehow I came out of all that unscathed other than a loose flower pin. An impressive feat on their part!

4. I hear choirs of ego-stroking angels singing in Writer's Workshop. I never thought it was possible for people to love my characters as much as I do. Me and the fictional Clavis de Veritas have been making out like literary bandits! And this is to say nothing of the horizon-broadening ideas those people have presented! I would've never in a million years thought up the sorts of ideas my fellow writers seem to come up with! It's awesomeness all over the place :D Now if only my swing dancing, would stop taking over...

5. Mission Prep is worth graduation credits. By rights that shouldn't even be fair, but at a school like this it is. And it rocks! I think a good way to describe my teacher is that he's recently been called to be a mission president. He's so...just amazing, that I almost hate asking questions because they sound so dumb and petty compared to his vast understanding. But, as a little voice said to me as I was leaving class one day, sometimes it takes asking the dumb questions to accumulate the wisdom you need.

6. The temple is a fifteen-minute walk from my front door. One word: spoiled! But it's been an amazing tool for me. Someone said at church today that, contrary to what they had expected, they actually feel like they have more trials on this church campus than their high school where they were the minority. But they made an interesting point, that maybe here is a place that the Lord knows we can learn and grow away from those other things and so we're given trials in order to do that. I think I agree with that person. In that father's blessing I was given before I came it even said I'd be faced with trials. And not just flu bugs and frozen car doors, but deeper ones. And boy have I been.

So many times 'clouds of darkness' have hovered over me all day. Clouds of discouragement or confusion or just feeling negative and overwhelmed. They might leave for that mission prep class but they're there waiting outside the door for me as soon as its over. And they strike especially hard those few moments before devotional or Friday mornings before I go to the temple because its those two things that really help me to fight them off. And not just on those days, but in the moments in between. I've gained lots from battling them, including a testimony of the temple. I think I've gained a greater testimony of it here than I ever really had at home, actually. And I guess it shows because the temple workers have started saying as I leave, "See ya next Friday!"

7. Dating...oh dating. That's almost become a whole different chronicle, though I've really only gone one dates with two different guys. Almost three. The first one sent me a text asking if I wanted to 'hang' and I about referred him to every journal entry I had on homecoming, prom, and whatever else to let him know how you really did things. Guess those good ol' joe city guys have me spoiled with putting donuts in my locker and mannequins in my car. :)

And then there's that super sweet guy who made the mistake of trying to hold late-bloomer, naïve, awkward Annelie's hand. Poor, poor guy. I strategically avoided it for at least half the walk home by grabbing his arm in attempt to make him escort me instead but my play-dumb strategy only lasted so long before he finally grabbed my hand. Only...I couldn't bring myself to grab back so my fingers just sort of hung there. Awkwardly. Cracks me up now, but I was about in panic mode in the moment--something I'm sure you can all imagine. My inner alarm system went off in the form of a sudden passion on the topic of my mission prep class, my mission prep teacher, my mission prep lessons, and basically anything else that said, "You don't want this blob of weirdness on legs. Trrrust me".

And then on a creative home-made egg-noodle and carving Batman out of candle date, I accidentally made the guy bring me home an hour before the later Friday-night curfew. But hey, I wasn't about to climb any more walls.

8. I could easily brag--and support with facts--that I have the best home evening brothers on the entire campus. Who else goes snowboarding in the other brother's cow costume? Who else writes the dumbest things on your birthday card or cracks jokes in his natural British accent? Who else starts touching people's ankles in the middle of murder in the dark to make them jump five feet in the air or leaps off of your balcony rather than taking the stairs? They give you hugs, pelt you with snowballs, trash you at card games, pick you up and throw you in the snow, teach a lesson with a Rubik's cube, sincerely tell you that your 'dating score sheet' ought to be kept in the bathroom, speak like champs at stake conference, bury you the snow, keep a lifetime supply of pineapples and hot-chocolate in their dorm, and give you a ride home after your soaked from your hair to your socks. There's eight of them and we LOVE them!!

9. Netflix. Am I right?

10. Oddities. Whether you have a knitted Viking hat with a full-blown beard, a top-hat and Mr. Darcy scowl to match, a swim-cap over a cowboy hat, a beanie with moose antlers, or a song on your iPod that you apparently want the whole campus to hear, you people make my day! I actually went out of my way to get a newspaper from the guy dressed up in suspenders, brown shoes, and cap shouting, "New Missions announced, read all about it! Extra, extra!"

11. Teachers!! That's another thing I've always been blessed with and it continues here. My math teacher is just good--inside and out. Good and logical and fun and simple. Very important traits for me when it comes to math. My art teacher makes my gut hurt from laughing, my American Foundations teacher was probably friends with the founding fathers in the premortal life, and my science teacher's passion is hunting and fishing.

12. Leaders. I've been blessed to always have bishops I adore. I think I could take this one back with me to Joseph City and he'd fit like a glove. The guy reminds me so much of hometown bishop and I think there's a reason for that :) It's the same with Stake presidents. I tend to get about the same excitement about hearing my stake presidents speak that I get when a general authority speaks.  President Spencer and President Hancock will always hold a super-special place in my heart and I can tell this guy's gonna grow on me quick as well. My dorm mom invites us over for Tangled and The Emperor's New Groove. And my relief society president's talent is quite literally to hug. She shared it at the talent show and everything. So, overall, I think I'm in good hands :) And because of all of them, those sacrament meetings that seemed to be dedicated to my current concern still happen, just as they did back home.



So He was right all those nights ago when I was walking away from my parents. He's got me. I've definitely hit some rough spots. I left choir practice early once and raced out of the church building just in time for a flood of sobs and tears to come flowing. I've had to learn to be patient with roommates--or rather, to look at my own reflection--because I no longer have my own room and my own elbow room of five or so miles when I need to get away. I've been stressed. I've been bitter. I've even been complacent.

But I've been fighting, praying, and pushing harder than I ever remember and He's never left my side. There have actually been a lot of times when that sensation of someone's arm around me returns, often just on my way to my next class.

 I remember feeling at some point that this would be a journey with my Savior. Like He was pleased with what I'd learned so far in life, but now He was taking me aside. Taking me with Him on a one-on-one field to a place completely different. A place where nothing was familiar. Nothing, that is, except for Him. That way we could observe together and learn. We could see things like the newspaper boys and laugh or sit in class and absorb. But at the same time we would cry. We would experience pain and confusion. We would feel weak and tired. We would even--I might venture--argue. Like any traveling partners who have different opinions on which highway is the easiest to take.

But He has always been there! And if He's ever felt tired or discouraged it's probably been with my insisting on trying the same thing and wanting a different result or my lack of faith despite the daily miracles he unfolds before my eyes. But when I finally decide to shape up and find my tour guide again, He has been there. 

Because I no longer have my own bedroom to speak aloud during my prayers, one of my most favorite places to pray when things get "real intense" has become the humble location of the bathroom. But even there, kneeling, reasoning, and sometimes sobbing on the tiles, I have felt Him kneeling beside me and just holding me.

So to those clouds of darkness that try so hard to knock me off balance and to those negative patterns of thought that I need to knock off balance, "The Lord is my light so why should I fear? By day and by night His presence is near."