I had just left a refreshing session at the temple and was already beginning to run through the other things I had planned for that day when I passed the little brick wall marked "Brigham Young University-Idaho".
I'd passed it before. The logo was pasted onto every sweatshirt, lanyard, and pair of headphones I owned. I logged onto the BYUI website about twenty times each day in paranoia that'd I'd miss the next notification to move my car when the plow came through the driveway.
But it suddenly hit.
Woah! I was here! And all the preparation I'd gone through suddenly ran through my head. That CES fireside I went to that helped me make my decision. Those two 'eternities' of Spanish class that I vaguely remember. All the before hours, lunch hours, and after hours spent wrestling math. Biting my nails as I watched my older friends fill out scholarship after scholarship feeling super intimidated by it all. Deciding that only a crazy person traveled to a completely different state when her two best friends in the whole world had room for one more person in their dorm. That feeling of rejection from Utah and that magical e-mail from Idaho that followed right after.
The thought of it almost made me want to strut up to my younger self, pat her on the back, and say, "You done good, my friend."
Of course, things weren't exactly the way I imagined them. I don't always feel like this fabulously cute, mature young adult who has it all together. My roommate knows how to do my hair better than I do and when my art teacher started using the term touche (pronounced "tush") I was the only person in the entire lecture hall who giggled.
But I was here! I was at the place I was sure would be one of the funnest, most exciting places in my life!
So...why wasn't I, you know, feelin' it? Why wasn't I content? Headaches every other day and under/over estimating my groceries wasn't quite doing it for me.
At first I brushed it off with by saying that things aren't always as big and shiny as we imagine. We grow up and reality hits. Which is true. But it wasn't until later that day (after I had finished that to-do list and collapsed onto my bed for a nap) that I realized I didn't give myself time to be content. It wasn't so much reality's problem as it was mine. It was class, homework, laundry, class, homework, youtube, swing dance, snack, writing group, homework, mission prep, sleep. The basic game plan of the week: Sunday, inhale. Monday to Friday cram everything into brain. Saturday, exhale.
Just as I had done back home, I was always looking forwards. Saying, "Well yeah, I know I'm that. But what else can I be? What else can I do? I have this great future I want and I'm never going to get there if I don't change this. And what about this? Why did I ever do that?"
In theory, its a great habit. It has helped me get a lot under my belt and has helped me get to where I am today. But the self-punishing, rigid way I went about it has also helped my nerves trigger a few anxiety attacks in track practice.
It occurred to me that not once since I got here I had never really congratulated myself on it. I'd just got frustrated with myself in my battle against a little flu bug, pushed me and my headaches through my homework, and taken the occasional break to go out and be social if only to battle homesickness.
Next it occurred that if I was ever going to have even an ounce of fun on this campus, that unsatisfied approach to life had to go.
So what did I do? I dedicated the rest of my Friday to being happy. To being content with myself and where I was at--something I haven't consciously done in a long time. To pounding "Piano Fantasy" through the dorms and singing along to "Love Song" until someone walked in and interrupted me. And it felt amazing!! I've since discovered that taking care of your spirit isn't just doing what you need to do and not doing what you shouldn't, its enjoying the fruits of all that effort.
Again, I'm just grateful for an immensely patient Savior and the people He's placed in my life. Their patience have made up for my lack of it. It amazes me how gently he approaches me about the same problem over and over and over and over again. Because I know I've already written about this topic in many different forms at many different times. But I think, now that I'm able to look back at more experiences, that it's finally clicked for me. At least I hope.
So, new game plan:
Sunday, sit in a spiritual hot-tub, so to speak, and relax. Soak up all the insights inspirations I'll probably need for the coming week.
Monday-Friday, be fascinated by what I learn and find my own angle or depth to it. After all, this is "The Lord's University". What does He want me to learn about His creations? His works? Next I'll laugh lots, smile plenty, discover new ways to make spice up a ham and cheese sandwich.
Saturday, go on a long walk, pound away on the piano again, go on a group date with my laptop and the fictional characters in my head, go on a normal group date, do some hairbrush singing, make snow angels--something!
And because things aren't always as big and shiny as I like to imagine and some weeks will be more stressful than others, a weekly temple trip. That way it will be just what President Clark always says at each devotional, "Another great day at BYU-Idaho."
In short, just be content! I saw a sign on campus the other day that said something along the lines of, "In the great pursuit of happiness, one ought to stop and just be happy."
I'd passed it before. The logo was pasted onto every sweatshirt, lanyard, and pair of headphones I owned. I logged onto the BYUI website about twenty times each day in paranoia that'd I'd miss the next notification to move my car when the plow came through the driveway.
But it suddenly hit.
Woah! I was here! And all the preparation I'd gone through suddenly ran through my head. That CES fireside I went to that helped me make my decision. Those two 'eternities' of Spanish class that I vaguely remember. All the before hours, lunch hours, and after hours spent wrestling math. Biting my nails as I watched my older friends fill out scholarship after scholarship feeling super intimidated by it all. Deciding that only a crazy person traveled to a completely different state when her two best friends in the whole world had room for one more person in their dorm. That feeling of rejection from Utah and that magical e-mail from Idaho that followed right after.
The thought of it almost made me want to strut up to my younger self, pat her on the back, and say, "You done good, my friend."
Of course, things weren't exactly the way I imagined them. I don't always feel like this fabulously cute, mature young adult who has it all together. My roommate knows how to do my hair better than I do and when my art teacher started using the term touche (pronounced "tush") I was the only person in the entire lecture hall who giggled.
But I was here! I was at the place I was sure would be one of the funnest, most exciting places in my life!
So...why wasn't I, you know, feelin' it? Why wasn't I content? Headaches every other day and under/over estimating my groceries wasn't quite doing it for me.
At first I brushed it off with by saying that things aren't always as big and shiny as we imagine. We grow up and reality hits. Which is true. But it wasn't until later that day (after I had finished that to-do list and collapsed onto my bed for a nap) that I realized I didn't give myself time to be content. It wasn't so much reality's problem as it was mine. It was class, homework, laundry, class, homework, youtube, swing dance, snack, writing group, homework, mission prep, sleep. The basic game plan of the week: Sunday, inhale. Monday to Friday cram everything into brain. Saturday, exhale.
Just as I had done back home, I was always looking forwards. Saying, "Well yeah, I know I'm that. But what else can I be? What else can I do? I have this great future I want and I'm never going to get there if I don't change this. And what about this? Why did I ever do that?"
In theory, its a great habit. It has helped me get a lot under my belt and has helped me get to where I am today. But the self-punishing, rigid way I went about it has also helped my nerves trigger a few anxiety attacks in track practice.
It occurred to me that not once since I got here I had never really congratulated myself on it. I'd just got frustrated with myself in my battle against a little flu bug, pushed me and my headaches through my homework, and taken the occasional break to go out and be social if only to battle homesickness.
Next it occurred that if I was ever going to have even an ounce of fun on this campus, that unsatisfied approach to life had to go.
So what did I do? I dedicated the rest of my Friday to being happy. To being content with myself and where I was at--something I haven't consciously done in a long time. To pounding "Piano Fantasy" through the dorms and singing along to "Love Song" until someone walked in and interrupted me. And it felt amazing!! I've since discovered that taking care of your spirit isn't just doing what you need to do and not doing what you shouldn't, its enjoying the fruits of all that effort.
Again, I'm just grateful for an immensely patient Savior and the people He's placed in my life. Their patience have made up for my lack of it. It amazes me how gently he approaches me about the same problem over and over and over and over again. Because I know I've already written about this topic in many different forms at many different times. But I think, now that I'm able to look back at more experiences, that it's finally clicked for me. At least I hope.
So, new game plan:
Sunday, sit in a spiritual hot-tub, so to speak, and relax. Soak up all the insights inspirations I'll probably need for the coming week.
Monday-Friday, be fascinated by what I learn and find my own angle or depth to it. After all, this is "The Lord's University". What does He want me to learn about His creations? His works? Next I'll laugh lots, smile plenty, discover new ways to make spice up a ham and cheese sandwich.
Saturday, go on a long walk, pound away on the piano again, go on a group date with my laptop and the fictional characters in my head, go on a normal group date, do some hairbrush singing, make snow angels--something!
And because things aren't always as big and shiny as I like to imagine and some weeks will be more stressful than others, a weekly temple trip. That way it will be just what President Clark always says at each devotional, "Another great day at BYU-Idaho."
In short, just be content! I saw a sign on campus the other day that said something along the lines of, "In the great pursuit of happiness, one ought to stop and just be happy."
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