Picking Paths

There were lots of little moments when I first got on this campus that helped me realize I would really like it here. And many since then. Remembering that they have prayers before every class. The temple only a ten-minute walk away from my dorm. The fact that just about every door is opened for me by some gentleman. Meeting my professors (especially math, art, and American foundations). Meeting my roommates. Getting assigned to visit teach people who, in reality, visit teach me.

And the fact that they had an actual writing group.

And I have loved that writing group. From the manager who has to cut our topic of what the Disney's Beast's real name is to the expressive guy who volunteers to read my writing aloud and provides a hilariously unique voice for every one of my characters. Its great!

I feel like I basically go there to get my ego stroked. They're all really positive about my work and I always leave with a little extra bounce in my step.

And the more bouncier that step got, the more my plan for teaching elementary education has seemed to fade. Which worried me. Maybe I liked this writing group and they're lovely compliments a little too much.

So I tried to refocus. I marked education seminars in my calendar and tried to make sense of the e-mails the department sent me but it began to feel like a chore. Which worried me some more. How could helping little kids learn and develop seem like a chore?! I adored "my" little primary. I have more fun memories with my younger cousins than I do my senior class. Maybe I'd just have to push past all of this official stuff first before I got to the fun stuff.

Then I discovered that I couldn't' have a minor with that sort of major and the whole process started over again. I didn't really want to spend all my semesters studying nothing but education. I had a whole ton of other interests that I'd dreamed of discovering when I got here.

 Of course, my plan had always been that writing would come last. I even discussed this in prayer once, assuring my Father in Heaven that I wouldn't let my interests get in the way of what really needed to be done. And I was convinced that the world needs more caring, loving, and watchful teachers than it needs silly writers.

I think I still am, actually. But after lots of prayer, some talks with my parents, and a devotional, I really felt that the Lord would guide me in whichever path I chose, in this case.

So how I ended up in the advising office changing my major to English: Creative Writing emphasis, I'm not really sure. It just sort...happened. So much for my promises of before.

But I've heard that the Lord can't guide your footsteps until you move your feet. So I've moved 'em. And all I can say is that ever since then, I've been really excited. I really want to come back next semester and get going on the classes. I'm still not sure what sort of difference a crazy wizard, a mix-up of fairytales, and their author can make in the world and I might end up changing my mind again, but I wonder if sometimes that 'different path' Heavenly Father has in mind for us is the one we simply aren't lettings ourselves have.

So my new promise: include the Lord in my writing and continue to let him guide me in the direction I need to go in life. And since He's the greatest friend and missionary companion anyone could ever have, why not the greatest co-author?

 

Stepping Off the Hamster Wheel

I had just left a refreshing session at the temple and was already beginning to run through the other things I had planned for that day when I passed the little brick wall marked "Brigham Young University-Idaho".

I'd passed it before. The logo was pasted onto every sweatshirt, lanyard, and pair of headphones I owned. I logged onto the BYUI website about twenty times each day in paranoia that'd I'd miss the next notification to move my car when the plow came through the driveway.

But it suddenly hit.

Woah! I was here! And all the preparation I'd gone through suddenly ran through my head.  That CES fireside I went to that helped me make my decision. Those two 'eternities' of Spanish class that I vaguely remember. All the before hours, lunch hours, and after hours spent wrestling math. Biting my nails as I watched my older friends fill out scholarship after scholarship feeling super intimidated by it all. Deciding that only a crazy person traveled to a completely different state when her two best friends in the whole world had room for one more person in their dorm. That feeling of rejection from Utah and that magical e-mail from Idaho that followed right after.

The thought of it almost made me want to strut up to my younger self, pat her on the back, and say, "You done good, my friend."

Of course, things weren't exactly the way I imagined them. I don't always feel like this fabulously cute, mature young adult who has it all together. My roommate knows how to do my hair better than I do and when my art teacher started using the term touche (pronounced "tush") I was the only person in the entire lecture hall who giggled.

But I was here! I was at the place I was sure would be one of the funnest, most exciting places in my life!

So...why wasn't I, you know, feelin' it?  Why wasn't I content? Headaches every other day and under/over estimating my groceries wasn't quite doing it for me.

At first I brushed it off with by saying that things aren't always as big and shiny as we imagine. We grow up and reality hits.  Which is true. But it wasn't until later that day (after I had finished that to-do list and collapsed onto my bed for a nap) that I realized I didn't give myself time to be content. It wasn't so much reality's problem as it was mine. It was class, homework, laundry, class, homework, youtube, swing dance, snack, writing group, homework, mission prep, sleep. The basic game plan of the week: Sunday, inhale. Monday to Friday cram everything into brain. Saturday, exhale.

Just as I had done back home, I was always looking forwards. Saying, "Well yeah, I know I'm that. But what else can I be? What else can I do? I have this great future I want and I'm never going to get there if I don't change this. And what about this? Why did I ever do that?"

In theory, its a great habit. It has helped me get a lot under my belt and has helped me get to where I am today. But the self-punishing, rigid way I went about it has also helped my nerves trigger a few anxiety attacks in track practice.

It occurred to me that not once since I got here I had never really congratulated myself on it. I'd just got frustrated with myself in my battle against a little flu bug, pushed me and my headaches through my homework, and taken the occasional break to go out and be social if only to battle homesickness.

Next it occurred that if I was ever going to have even an ounce of fun on this campus, that unsatisfied approach to life had to go.

So what did I do? I dedicated the rest of my Friday to being happy. To being content with myself and where I was at--something I haven't consciously done in a long time. To pounding "Piano Fantasy" through the dorms and singing along to "Love Song" until someone walked in and interrupted me. And it felt amazing!!  I've since discovered that taking care of your spirit isn't just doing what you need to do and not doing what you shouldn't, its enjoying the fruits of all that effort.

Again, I'm just grateful for an immensely patient Savior and the people He's placed in my life. Their patience have made up for my lack of it. It amazes me how gently he approaches me about the same problem over and over and over and over again. Because I know I've already written about this topic in many different forms at many different times. But I think, now that I'm able to look back at more experiences, that it's finally clicked for me. At least I hope.

So, new game plan:

Sunday, sit in a spiritual hot-tub, so to speak, and relax. Soak up all the insights inspirations I'll probably need for the coming week.

Monday-Friday, be fascinated by what I learn and find my own angle or depth to it. After all, this is "The Lord's University". What does He want me to learn about His creations? His works? Next I'll laugh lots, smile plenty, discover new ways to make spice up a ham and cheese sandwich.

Saturday, go on a long walk, pound away on the piano again, go on a group date with my laptop and the fictional characters in my head, go on a normal group date, do some hairbrush singing, make snow angels--something!

And because things aren't always as big and shiny as I like to imagine and some weeks will be more stressful than others, a weekly temple trip. That way it will be just what President Clark always says at each devotional, "Another great day at BYU-Idaho."

In short, just be content! I saw a sign on campus the other day that said something along the lines of, "In the great pursuit of happiness, one ought to stop and just be happy."