Scary Storms

First off, I'm just glad to be functioning today. Between my first two airplane flights, cramming a hundred and five hugs/activities into one week, and then trying to dive back into new classes its no wonder my roommates have been laughing at my recent thinking process. It goes well with my hair color. Makes it stand out more :) And I think its those laughs that made me survive it.

Because its been more than that. I've titled it "Before Mission Syndrome". Or I guess, just life. Discouragement that make your goals seem dark and foreboding and temptations that make less-than-goals seem appealing. Both create a pretty thick cloud of darkness and I've learned to push through them from last semester. But when you have homework to do, dances to attend, and Disney songs to sing to your roommates, there's less time to really focus on the moving forward part.

So I sometimes get stuck. And when I finally have time to breath--like in church--it really hits. With each new lesson I felt more overwhelmed. I felt I had nothing left inside me to give, let alone have a good attitude about it. Yet, I did my best to make some convictions with the idea that perhaps trying them would help me feel back to normal. Especially since a lot of them were focused on service and things that really do "un-slump" you, as Dr. Suess would put it :)

But even then things seem to get worse and if there's one thing I've learned from all this, its that the adversary is real. Voices that seem to slide so easily and so disguised into my thoughts began to whisper that it was a hopeless cause. I had too much to do. I didn't have time to do my roommates dishes. And I'd been reading my scriptures and saying my prayers all week, so why was I feeling like this today? Did I even have the strength to do any more?

Of course, lots of good things happened this week. There were lots of moments of enlightenment, lots of laughs, and lots of prayers of thanks said on my part. But suddenly all I could see were the harder moments. Stress from my classes when I realized I forgot new assignments. My more negative thoughts I'd had towards others and myself. My weaker moments that ate at my self-worth.  The day I came home from class, flopped on my bed, and just began crying from fighting thoughts like this to begin with.

Finally, by the time Relief Society started, I was ready to spiritually throw my hands up and stop battling it.
"Oh well," I thought. But, strangely, that became almost a stronger inner battle cry than a call of surrender.

Oh well. So what if I'm not everything I want to be. So what if this hasn't been the best week for me. So what if I don't know how to handle every situation. So what if I sometimes go days with prayer after pleading prayer in my heart and hear no answer.

Then, with a conviction I didn't know I had, I told those nasty voices that I'd gone all morning doing what I'm supposed to do without feeling rewarded, I could go my whole life! Which...in retrospect I'm not quite sure that I could. It may have been a little bluffing, but it was enough to motivate myself to participate in class anyways. And as I did, my voice sounded much stronger and much calmer than I felt. And that helped. There truly is power in participation.

And then we read Alma 5:33, "Behold, he sendeth an invitation unto all men, for the arms of mercy are extended towards them, and he saith: Repent and I will receive you."

But for me it was more of a "I will receive you." A sincere firmness that instantly brought tears to my eyes and cleared away the whole storm. No matter what silly thoughts swirled in my mind, the truths of truths was that if I doing the things I knew I needed to be doing, my Savior was there.

I guess what I'm getting from this is one of my new favorite quotes, "Don't tell God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big your God is."

And no matter how fruitless our efforts may seem, it's SO true that you cannot give a crust to the Lord without receiving a loaf in return. He just might wait until you have room in your pantry to receive it :)

One Semester Down!

Well…I made it! It was crazy to me today as I knelt down in a prayer of tearful thanks for a great semester that about four months ago I’d done the same in tearful anxiety. It was a whirlwind, just as everyone told me. Days flowed into weeks which flowed into months which flowed into a semester. I’m not sure how it happened, but it did. And I realized today as I bore my testimony in the last sacrament meeting of the semester, just as I had the first, that I sounded much more confident.

Obviously I’ve learned A TON!!!  It is college after all. Art class doesn’t let me see my surroundings the same ever again. Math class taught me finances and the power of missionary work. Science, a different take on the evolution theory, and American Foundations how to be closer to the sort of citizen the founding fathers intended.  And missionary prep has me wanting to grab my scriptures and hop a plane.

But there are other classrooms. My dorm has taught me the power of patience, persistence, prayer, and hugs. And mostly of making sure it’s not my dishes that are dirty before I up and decide that everyone else’s needs some cleaning.

Dancing activities has been another classroom. Because unfortunately there’s little instruction on the fancy footwork of social skills.

And the temple has taught me plenty as well, most of which tied to the common theme of slowing down. A good lesson for a college kid who tries to cram lunch, her favorite show, remaining homework, and devotional all in between two of her classes.

And we all know of the classroom of mistakes of course. That’s one we graduate don’t from until we leave the planet.

But overall it’s been just what I felt it would be. A journey with my Savior. I’m sure He smiled at my near-conniption reaction to someone trying to hold my hand and my similar response when I basically ran a red light. But I also know that he cheered with me with my successes and cried with me with my disappointments. There were many instances when I didn’t feel it and I was tempted to think that the Heavens had suddenly grown numb towards me—or worse—I’d grown numb to them.  But sitting in a fog doesn’t get you out of it near as well as pushing through it does.

And this certainly isn’t my first journey. Just my trip to the airport for my first flight EVER has told me that J I still have more semesters ahead of me. And a mission. And a future family. And a dream career. And wherever else I feel the wind pulling me I suppose, like my childhood hero Pocahontas.  ...Although I don’t remember Pocahontas ever bawling her eyes out at the idea of leaving her little brothers and her grandma’s icecream and her warm fireplace--to say nothing of my second hero John Smith. But that’s beside the point J Either way, I can’t wait to see what’s around the river bend.

Until then, I can’t wait to get home!!! Even if it is for just five days. I’ve got friends’ ears to talk off, Mr. Gs pizza to eat, and—yes—pretend games to play. And when you have a little neighbor girl who promises to stay up until midnight to see your car drive up into the driveway, how could you not. I haven’t met many celebrities, but I think I may have some top hand there J